A little more history

In 2002, I reached my highest weight (not being pregnant). At that time, I got serious. I started watching what I ate, but I won't say I dieted. I just ate different things. Honestly I don't even remember what I ate before this time. I was in college and I started eating oatmeal for breakfast and chicken wraps. I also started running- ok so running/walking. I would walk and run switching back and forth on the treadmill. I also started yoga. I lost 30 pounds. My clothes fit better and I never actually went down a size which I guess means I was stuffing myself into my original clothes. I did this because at the time I was preparing for my wedding to my ex-husband. This loss was short lived as after we got married I went back to my old ways of eating. It is so hard not to when you have been doing that for over 10 years. But I wasn't happy and we didn't have a lot of money, so quick and not so healthy was the way I went.

For the next years, I had this magic number that I dare not go above in my head. I was always on the brink but never over. If I got too close, I would do a little something and take a pound or two off then keep on my merry way. Only it wasn't merry. I was and still am miserable with my body. I hate the way I look. The way I don't feel 'normal sized'.

Then in 2006 as I preparing for my wedding to Jason. I tried the south beach diet. And those first couple weeks worked. I don't know how much I lost, but it too didn't last. I got caught up in wedding this and that and my get healthy plan fell to the curb.

In 2007, we decided we were going to try to have a baby. I had dreamed of becoming fit and healthy before getting pregnant, but it didn't happen. Then at my first appointment the weigh in I was over my magic number. But you are not supposed to diet when you are pregnant, so I just let it go. I did good until about the end of the second trimester when I found out I could eat all the things I had avoided in the beginning due to morning sickness. All in all I gained 30 pounds. Which is the normal amount for someone who is in the healthy weight range. Not too bad I guess. After I had Jackson in May 2008, I; thanks to the awesomeness; of breastfeeding was back at my first appointment weight by 6 weeks. I had planned to cook dinners while on leave which never happened. Then when I went back to work I hardly had time to leave the house dressed, so getting something healthy for breakfast didn't happen. This also meant preparing my lunch didn't happen either. Then something wondrous happen at about 3-4 months post partum I self diagnosed myself as being hyperthyroid. I had been like this before except at the time I was not losing weight I was gaining it due to who knows what. But this time I was losing. It didn't matter what I ate I lost weight. Now while this is a great side effect, this disease is serious and can cause strokes and vision problems just to name a few. So I went to the doctor who prescribed me mediciation.

So when I started taking the medicine, I knew I had to start being better about what I ate as it returns your metabolism to normal. Throw in a couple extra months and now we are here today. I did not change my eating habits long term. Because my thyroid is now functioning normally I have gained 10 pounds back of the almost 40 I lost from my pre-pregnancy weight. You know even though I lost that much and I can wear a smaller size I still don't see myself any different. The only time I can tell is in some pictures.

But now today I probably need to lose 40 pounds to be in the healthy range for my height and not just on the outside.

But I want to take that number as a whole and break it down. Cause 40 is just too scary and too much. So I will start with losing the 10 I already gained back.

And while we are here, let me throw another lie at you. In my head, I think that my body isn't designed to be that small or I can't/will never achieve it. As my friend says the devil is a lie. Why can't I?? There is nothing wrong with me. I know my thyroid is correct (which if you are having problems have your doctor check it cause it can greatly affect your weight and how you feel). I think my calves will never be smaller than they are (which by the way are my least favorite part of my body)